The D Word

Over the last couple months, that familiar shadow monster has crept back into my life. It has shown no remorse, poisoning the happy moments and acting like a Dementor, leaving death and destruction in its wake. But even in the depth of this hell, I dare not utter its name. Speaking it gives it validity. It is as if allowing this thing, this monster to be real will prove that I am weak. I've been defeated. And so, I suffer in my silent way. The monster chains me to my house, fills my hands with lead so I cannot write, puts up a wall around my heart so that I cannot feel anything other than the sorrow and emptiness it feeds through the black IV that is permanently attached to my soul.

But the heaviness has become more than I can bear. The break down finally came. I welcomed it with open arms. Only once I've surrendered my entirety to this demon am I able to speak. Only then can help come. Because even though I still can't say it - the D word - the pain speaks for itself. It cannot hide because my voiceless cries are still heard. Silence speaks if someone stops to listen.

I am lucky that way. The listener knows my demons. But what about those without listeners? How can they break free? They don't. They suffer worse fates. Broken and overcome by the darkness, the only relief comes in returning to the Ultimate Listener. Seeking a forever peace, they choose the only path that the monster shows them. Sleep eternal.

In a forest of shadows, death seems to be the sunny glade in the middle. Stop! I shout to myself from the outside. It's a mirage! I am standing in a field of sunflowers, the sun beating down on my face, birds singing around me, but I am under a spell. I can only see the dark forest created by the monster. 

A knight rides in, cutting through the black mist with his sword of light. For a moment I can see the field, the sunflowers. I look up to the knight, fall to his feet, allowing the tears to flow freely. His face is hidden. He is not here to save me, but simply to give me a momentary reprieve from my nightmare. The darkness will return, but the memory of my knight keeps me from chasing the doomed glade.

Eventually I will succumb, but until that day I will fight the shadow monster. As I stumble across others in the dark forest, I will use my sword of light to stand with them and offer them relief from their demons. But I know I will be dragged back to my hell, where I will wait. Wait for a knight. Wait for the sun to defeat the black mist. I'll cling to the memory of days before the night took over. I may have lost the war, but I will continue to win as many battles as I can.

Fighting Depression and Anxiety,

Hoping for a Sunny Day.

Alex