A Casual Encounter with My Rapist

Since leaving Texas, I’ve seen him exactly three times.

Once was while I was visiting home on leave. My dad, brothers, and I were Christmas shopping in the mall and I was wearing my Oscar the Grouch military jacket. If you are in the military, you probably know to what I am referring. We made eye contact, but he seemed not to recognize me. Luckily, we were just wrapping up our excursion and left immediately thereafter. I didn’t say a word to my family, as I had yet to tell anyone about my experience in Texas.

Eight months later, I was out of the military and back home. As it turns out, keeping traumatic experiences bottled up leads to mental breakdowns. Either way, I found myself back in good ‘ole L-town and working at McDonald’s once again. It was nearing the end of my shift and I was handing orders out the drive-thru window. The next order would need to be pulled forward to wait for their food, so I was preparing to instruct them to do so. As the black sedan approached my window, one glimpse was all it took to drain the strength from my entire being. Once again, though I saw him, he didn’t recognize me. I couldn’t get away from the window fast enough and my body shook like the 1989 San Francisco earthquake. Tears streamed uncontrollably down my face and, not wanting to forsake my duties, I tried my best to assemble sandwiches since I had ditched the window. Thankfully, a quick explanation to a trusted coworker allowed me to go home a few minutes prematurely. But I’ll never forget the fear and utter destruction of my fortitude that occurred in simply seeing his face in my drive-thru line. Less than a week later, I submitted my resignation.

It’s been over a year since that day. I could easily call that one of the darkest times of my life. Shortly after the drive-thru scare, I had the chance to meet with military investigators and relive every terrible detail of the sexual assault. Compounded with the run-in at McDonald’s, my world was shattered and I no longer saw a point in living. It was my dad who found me in the garage with the door closed and my car running. I’d like to take this moment to thank him for installing a ventilation system in our garage. Despite the rocky nature of our relationship, it is my dad who kept me alive. Literally. Thankfully, I was able to get into counseling and start a process of rebuilding. I enrolled in college, started talking to people, and even went on a date or two. Within a few months, I was beginning to feel normal again. Though I had relied heavily on alcohol as a tonic up to that point, I recognized that it was an unhealthy coping mechanism and made efforts to stop drinking. I recently celebrated two months of sobriety. At the urging of my dad, I tried to reenter the dating world. I met a genuinely nice guy and we dated for a couple months. Even though the relationship ended, he taught me that there are good guys out there that can be trusted, even if it doesn’t ultimately work out. That understanding and a renewed confidence in myself led me to the amazing man I’m with today. Ladies- if you haven’t found a good one yet, keep looking. They exist. All of this is to say that I’ve come so far from the scared girl I was last year. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of the men that assaulted me, but I no longer feel like a slave to the memory of those incidents.

When I walked into Wal-Mart the other night, my mind was absorbed in thoughts about my upcoming midterm essay. I wandered the aisles with my friend as we made our way back to the electronics section. Frankly, I have no idea how long I was walking directly towards him before I noticed. What I do know is that when our eyes connected, no recognition registered on his face. I took an abrupt left turn and waited for him to turn around and confront me. Nothing happened. I looked over my shoulder to see him disappearing around a corner. Somehow, even though we locked eyes for a good second, he didn’t see me. My body trembled slightly, but nothing like before. Unlike our previous, I was no longer under his power.

To be completely honest, I’m not a very religious person. I was raised LDS, but haven’t regularly attended or considered myself “active” in a few years. However, something my grandmother said to me concerning these encounters got me thinking. When I told her about looking directly at him and his utter lack of recognition, she expressed her gratitude that God had placed me in his blind spot. I had never thought about it that way. But is it not possible that angels shielded his eyes? Three encounters and not once did he recognize me. I’d like to believe that life is more than a collection of random events. Everything presents an opportunity for growth and learning if you so choose. But maybe every once in a while, the man in charge cuts you a break. Tender mercies, if you will. In the attitude of Thanksgiving, I must express my gratitude for the cloak of invisibility that I wore this week. Moreover, I am grateful for a grandmother who provides deeper perspective, a mother who loves me unconditionally, and a father who kept me from a premature departure. Though I will never be completely free from this particular burden, I believe that I will continue to heal and that it will become easier to bear with time.

*If you or someone you know is experiencing thoughts of suicide, please don't hesitate to call the 24/7 National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255). They are trained counselors and can get you info for mental health services in your area.